Sunday Post: Super-communicators / Active Listening

Read time: ~5.30 minutes

Happy Sunday!

Every Sunday I offer strategies for the week ahead and a thought to fuel your action.

Isn't it strange how we have so many conversations yet remember so little of what's said?

We often spend these moments not fully present, preoccupied with how we'll respond or filtering words through our beliefs and experiences. Instead of truly listening, we slip into a private dialogue with ourselves, allowing presence to fade.

At the root of disconnected communication lies a simple truth: we're engaged when things feel fresh, yet we become passive as they grow familiar.

Think about the excitement of learning a new skill, receiving a gift, or experiencing something thrilling for the first time. In these moments, we're fully attuned, completely present, and captivated. But as the novelty wears off, it's easy to begin taking it all for granted.

As I raise my 5- and 3-year-olds, I get a front-row seat to the thrill of discovery. My 5-year-old son loves to read and eagerly attempts to understand new words, pointing to signs and books with intense curiosity. Each day, he asks countless questions, completely entangled in the newness of everything he sees and hears.

To him, the world is a series of mysteries waiting to be solved. And it's contagious. But as I look at the words he's trying to read or hear the questions he's asking, I realize I'm experiencing them in a different light—less interested, more passive. To me, it's just the way things are; to him, it's a puzzle yet to be solved.

Conversation works in the same way. My 3-year-old daughter is a chatterbox, exploring her words with joy and curiosity. For her, every conversation is a new adventure. But too often, I find myself only half-listening, formulating responses in my mind, or drifting off.

Some might say it's because adult conversations are more profound or complex, but maybe it's simply that we've grown used to conversations and take them for granted.

The truth is that conversation is the root of connection. When we become passive in our conversations due to the familiarity of the experience, we risk weakening the connections that drive us forward.

Active listening is a key to meaningful conversation, and it's often more about what we refrain from doing than what we actively do.

In your next conversation, try observing yourself without judgment. Notice what's happening as you listen. How often do you find yourself preparing a response rather than fully absorbing the words?

What would happen if you resisted that urge, listening without formulating a reply? What might you discover if you simply waited until the speaker finished and then responded without pre-planned words?

In reality, multitasking within a conversation is a myth. We can't truly focus on both listening and formulating a response at the same time. No matter how skilled we think we are, our ability to concentrate is limited. The selective attention test is proof of this.

Listening requires both our ears and our eyes.

Think about it: conversations on the phone, though valuable, never seem as impactful as those in person. What's missing? The physical presence.

There's something about shaking hands, making eye contact, and reading body language. These elements are subtle but vital—they're things we don't always notice but deeply affect how we understand each other.

While our ears hear the words, it's our eyes that often let us truly listen.

Active listening is like a dance. Good listeners follow the speaker's lead, aligning with their emotional state. When one person is excited, and the other seems indifferent, there's a disconnect. To connect, we need to match the mood and mirror their energy and tone.

In every conversation, words matter—but so do the ways in which they're expressed.

Think about saying "I'm happy" in a flat, monotone voice versus with enthusiasm. Same words, different meanings. The difference lies in tone, expression, and emotion.

Here's a question to consider: how might we respond if we could only see someone speaking without hearing the words? Would we interpret their message differently?

Conversation is so much more than words. It's a blend of tone, body language, and unspoken emotions. Yet, because it's so common, we often overlook its power.

We know that newness sparks engagement. To deepen our connections and improve our listening skills, we might need to rethink our mindset about conversations.

What if, instead of seeing each conversation as just another exchange, we saw it as an opportunity—a chance to explore familiar or even common topics in a completely new way?

A Thought To Ponder This Week

To listen we need eyes and ears.

To engage we must use questions.

Typical conversations tend to include statements more than questions.

Yet, a conversation should be an exploration between two people.

And great conversations connect as opposed to convince individuals.

Thus, to deepen our connection through effective conversation, we must ask more questions.

To learn about families we serve we ask questions. To learn about new topics we ask questions. To learn a new skill we ask questions.

Each conversation should be an exploration of something new.

Thus a question is the most powerful guide for such exploration.

As you head into the new week, I challenge you to find two opportunities where you can converse with more questions as opposed to statements. The connection you will make will be deeper than you may have imagined.

The best is ahead!

-Matt